Sunday, August 23, 2009

A New Haven

It's time.. to merge :-)



http://murmursinthenight.blogspot.com/

Monday, May 18, 2009

Sizzle

In the stillness of the shivering night, I held you..









...and my soul found peace.














I heard your heart in silence..

..consistent beats telling me I am kept secured, tightly locked.



Spirits afloat.



Daring questions.



Flaming answers.



Naked souls, stripping free, unsuppressed, uninhibited, bare open.



The silhouette of bodies uniting.



Soft caresses, reaching the deepest recesses.



Slow, awaited pauses, the tender touch coursing through each smooth curve, moving up, running down, going in circles.



Rhythmic motion.



Gasping for air and sharing one breathe.



Warm breaths sending quivers to the spine.



Passion showering, every ache dissolves.



Dawn breaks, still awake, cuddling, holding each other in a tousle, what pleasure!



Eres guapa. Siempre será un placer para sofocar con besos hasta que la luz de la mañana.

Si mata a besar, yo soy mejor muerto que no te beso a todos.

;-*

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Abakada

Finding joy in life is as easy as A-B-C. Going back to basics and zeroing in on re-learning how to read, but this time reading love's language. It's not just about being happy which is fleeting, but more of feeling fulfilled and contented in the littlest of everyday events.


Knowing that you are valued and appreciated just because of who you are even though you smell and look like a grumpy old troll in the morning.

Having someone stir you within and mirror with your gifts and flaws, then getting to laugh at each other's clumsiness and silly mistakes as well as rejoice with in every triumph.

Sleeping in bed simply touched having crumpled the sheet with someone, realizing your solitary lonely days are gone with the wind.

Discovering that you matter in this life because someone said a prayer for you to still be able to wake up for another day or you gave that someone a panoramic grin because you're still alive.

Getting revved up to do your best in anything simply because you care enough for others.

Seeing beyond what's obvious and being tranquil even when exhausted and weary from a day's toiling.

Moving towards a goal and cherishing the ecstasy of achieving it.



J-O-Y. The soul's laughter. Let's keep it resonating.

A-U-J. True love's first kiss.

P-I-O. The irresistible menace.

D-O-R-I. The menace's mom and true love's first kiss' moo.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

My sexy, sexy miracle


It’s been a month of personal struggles, life-changing choices, jumping into new waters, and re-discovering myself over again. I haven’t tried sky or cliff diving, and I certainly wish I could before I die, but it sure feels like this as I get to leave my physical comfort zone for many years and embark on a travel to the land of the Living and Loving, this journey I call “Leaving the Zombie Zone.” I realized I’m not used to changing routines and patterns that I have grown accustomed to in my daily grinds, but this has been so far the most rewarding and fulfilling jump that I have ever embarked on, being with the person I envision to share every little and huge step, every laughter and tear, every dream’s fulfillment, and every sorrow dispersed to the universe.

I've always been a strong believer of miracles, daily events in life that are full of them. Every event is God's hands at work as I start each day with thanksgiving and praise, gazing through His sight.


You have been and will always be the biggest miracle I look forward to experiencing everyday. The most beautiful miracle I have and will ever receive in this life.


The geek that you so cutely are.

The funny SPED moments.

The explicit means you keep us in balance and making everybody in the V Luna home peacefully happy and together.

The stories you animatedly share.

The sweet sound of your voice when you call me Miss or Psst.

The comforting times you hug me from the back and no space being left unoccupied.

The tenderness and warmth of your kisses and sweet nothings.

The patience you spare for taking care of Pio and the unconditional affection.

The inexplicable way you keep me at ease and calm.

The incredible sense of humor that makes me go nuts.

The messy clothes and bed that you give me the privilege to organize.

The outpouring of your wisdom even in the menial of conversations that never fail to open up a whole new perspective in me.

The unique sense you bring out in me that I find myself fulfilling my life's purpose.

The “This feels right” emotion every time you look me straight in the eyes.

The “What we are going through is tough and challenging, but we’re in this together and we will make it no matter what” feeling whenever we hold hands and utter not a single word.

The unwavering reassurance and amazing love you share that creates a hope as mighty as David conquering Goliath.

I thank God for you. You are love at its best. I thank you wholeheartedly for giving us this privilege to nurture and master the art of Living and Loving.


You jump, I jump. Then let's kneel down in prayer, hands held up high, and expect the outpouring of our miracles :-)



Thursday, March 19, 2009

Thoughts from Mars

This is a radical view. Think about your past relationships. How did they start and how did they end? As I reflected on this basing on my almost 10-year committed, challenging, complicated and twisted past relationship, it somehow gave me chills to realize that maybe some relationships just are not built to last a lifetime no matter how committed its nature could be. Even if a rare number of people are built to be alone and stay happily single, being able to live on their own and go about this life effortlessly even without a partner, I realized early on that even if I can be as independent and carefree as I want to, I am not as happy and fulfilled as when I am in a relationship and get to be sharing my life with another I consider so significant that I would try and leave no stone unturned just so to make my partner happy. But that’s just me.

That long-term relationship bloomed from a beautiful friendship. It was a time in my life where being independent was a long way to go as I was a struggling employee making two payrolls a month meet just so to get on with my own basic needs, and so was my partner. We lived our everyday sharing even the menial of things, talking about every topic under the sun, and conversing about dreams which sounded so far fetched then, growing together. Of course, there were a lot of struggles and squabbles along the way, but then again any healthy relationship has those ingredients, otherwise there is no growth, no change. In the middle of it, there were challenges that seemed insurmountable because even if you both wish to stay in a world where only the two of you exists, hence less complications, that only happens when we are asleep and traveling to Mars was possible. Personal goals, family pressure, and society dictates get in the way, and so the once happy start turns sour and the former miniature conflicts become a giganteum where a magnifying glass aimed at what were wrong seemed to have appeared from nowhere and get the best of both of you. Relationship then ends. Heartbreaking.

So then you’re left with a heart that’s been mashed like a potato, but this is the time when it is vital to have, as they popularly say, at least a six-month solitary time, a hibernation mode, a time of reprieve from the past relationship before moving on to another. Vital basically because a heart that is mashed takes time to be whole again, almost impossible at the start especially when all you could think about is your ex and how you were used to doing things together, all the memory lane torture. Otherwise, you fall into the trap where many have fallen of going into a rebound relationship. Poor being who becomes an outlet of your frustrations and need to fill what your ex left as an empty space. That is precisely why it is healthy to spend time with your precious self after a breakup, to have that empty space gone by rediscovering yourself and making yourself whole again without a new person altering the process. For me, this process took years as while I was still in the relationship that was already in deep waters, I was already thinking about a way out because it was not working anymore. I was feeling lost, troubled and disheartened with all the complications. I felt it was time to move on. Love was never a question; it just transformed to another level, that which does not require us to be in a relationship anymore.

Weird to realize that although healthy romantic relationships (take note I said healthy because abusive and disturbing relationships are out of this context) can and do make you a better, even changed person, helping you realize your dreams along the way and surprising yourself with feats that you thought you were not capable of but was able to because you were inspired, they seem to be elusive and you’ll never get to predict exactly when to say you’ve had enough and it’s not working its magic anymore. Taking also into consideration your values on commitment, loyalty, concept of divine love, and capacity to take risks and challenges, who would be an expert to know when the relationship has reached its tail? If it’s worth keeping for a lifetime? If you have stopped growing or growing apart? If there is a hint of falling out? If feeling of inadequacy sets in? If letting go is indeed a higher form of love where you let go of the person you love dearly if it meant that her life would be way better off without you in it?

Then again, relationships are like a puzzle. They are meant to be bits and pieces that make the story we call life whole.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

One pound


Loose and scattered.. that has been the status of my thoughts lately. It's not because I'm not inspired or nothing significant is happening lately; it's quite the opposite actually. It's the planning jitters. Summer holds a comfort zone shake. It's my girl's scout nature overwhelming me when I am presented with a goal, although it gives me pleasure to visualize dreams and taking lotus feet steps to its realization, one tiny bit at a time. I remind myself often, though, that although planning is good, future is yet to unfold and what matters is the present moment.





Thank you for gifting me with so many varities of these messengers from another realm, these being the recent ones, that make me often pause from working to simply stare and admire. My grateful heart blossoms.


Your love moves me from dreaming to realizing.

You never fail to inspire me.

You are what envelops a dream.

Your embrace touches my very core.

Your kiss soothes my every tired muscle.

Your warm breath while sleeping keeps me sheltered in the dark of night.



Thank you for being such a wonderful comfort zone.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Pwede

Di mo lang alam.. pero ang ngiting dulot ng pagibig mo ay mas hamak na higit pa sa nakuha ng larawang ito. Kulang ang kagandahan ng mga itsura nating yan kung ang mapupukaw sana ay ang mga damdaming umaapaw sa pagmamalasakit, pagpapahalaga at pagmamahal.. ginintuan.




Ikaw ang pinakamagandang aral sa nakalipas na limang buwan ng buhay ko. Marami man ang mga pangit na bagay na hiling ko di mo na lang nararanasan o maranasan pa, pero sa bawat pagsubok, naway damahin mo na kaagapay mo ako at sabay tayong sumulong sa hinaharap na puno ng pagasa at isa-isang kamtin ang mga ninanais ng puso natin.

Pero in fairness, bagay sa akin ang magpakagirlaloo. Di ba? :-)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Himutok

Galit ako. Madalang to. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit naging malahiganteng pangyayari pa kung pwede sanang lawakan na lang ang pag-iintindi.

Nakakainis maipit, masakit masaktan, nakakatuyong umiyak, at nakakaubos ng lakas magpaliwanag sa animong sarado namang pagiisip. At ang malupit, sadya atang paulit-ulit.

Nakakalungkot. Nakakahinayang. Nakakalamukot ng mukha. Nakakabagabag.





Kung paiiralin muna ang unawa bago ang paghuhusga at paghuhugas kamay.

Kung titigilan ang pagmamalaki at paghahanap ng masisisi at masusumbatan.

Kung pipiliing manahimik kesa magbitaw ng mga salitang nakakalamat.

Kung magpapatawad at hihingi kaagad ng tawad sa sarili at sa kapwa.

Kung uunahin ang kapakanan ng iba bago ang sarili.

Kung magpapakumbaba at matututong rumespeto.

Kung maninindigan sa tama at bigyang halaga ang kapakanan ng iba.

Kung magpapasalamat bago magreklamo at maghanap.





Simple lang sana ang buhay kung ganyan. Di ko rin alam pano matitigil ang pag-ulit ulit.. malinaw lang sa akin ang pagtanggap sa realidad na ito. Walang may gusto pero andyan, nangyayari. Pinagdadasal ko na lang ang katinuan at liwanag para makaraos at umasang may dalang magandang pagbabago ang umaga. Laging may bukas pa. Tapos na ang kahapon.

Malamang bukas hindi na ako galit. Masaya na uli. Tuloy ang buhay. Ganun lang talaga. Sa ngayon, ninanais kong umintindi at magmahal pa rin kahit galit ako.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Taking the plunge

It's for this reason that I chose to jump in..


The wacky family I have the joy of sharing moments with.



Witnessing their zest for life and having the creative talents to entertain themselves..













Even when we just laze around on a delightful afternoon..





And Pio having fun entertaining himself, too.















I'm sure there'll be a lot more adventure in store, and I'm but happy to be a part of them.


You rock guys! Si mamu naiwan sa pictorial, patalunin din next time :-)




And to Pat and Kang.. tan tan tanan - Here's cheering you on on your upcoming big day!




And of course Balbs, I'll be your #1 die hard supporter, mesmerize them with your musical piano arrangement. And here's to remind you of how I've been praying for you with Reverend Pink's help.. hahaha..peace!


Monday, February 23, 2009

Oath

I am an optimist or at least I strive to be more often than not and it comes naturally to me to expect things will eventually get better, keeping faith up and working. But there are just some scenarios in life where uplifting words don't necessarily work its magic and it leads me to think differently. These are the times when worldly concerns get the best of me and I slide into the abyss of ambiguity.

Defensive pessimism. It's a strategy of preparing for a situation by setting low expectations and then following up with an assessment of everything that may go wrong and coming up with solutions to augment them. Once full range of bad outcomes are imagined, defensive pessimists start figuring out how they'll handle them and that gives them a sense of control.

Control. That's what I instinctively want whenever a person or a situation shakes my comfort zone. I thrive on predictability and if anything varies from what I am used to, I become anxious. To gain control, I was depending on my own strength, my own power, my own predictability. That was then. It was a sour game I was playing. Yes it would be prudent to set a game plan and prepare for the worst, which is what defensive pessimism teaches. It would be a safety net to fall onto and keep anxiety out of reach. There's just one glitch - I had myself to blame all the time, and that's when self-pity, self-blaming, worry and all the negative emotions I tend to shun come in and have a grand party in my mind.

So scrap that defensive pessimism. It doesn't work for me. Here's an Oath to Myself that I will live by from this day forward:




I refuse to think that being prepared is in the works of my hands, instead I choose to believe that God is in control all the time, Him working through me and not the other way around.

I will not relinquish my birthright as a wonderful creation and enjoy all the privileges of being joyful and loving.

I will not give in to the pressures of this world. I have God on my side, what shall I fear?

I delete the concept of exhaustion and tiredness because in Love's vocabulary these are non-existent.

I beg to disagree that bad things happen because it is a form of sanction or payback for past wrongdoings. They are just blessings in disguise and unlearned lessons, so I will learn fast and move on.

I rebuff the idea that I am limited. My potentials are God-given and if I just give glory back to Him in everything I do, I am limitless.

I will not stop from believing that I am blessed and it is my divine duty to be a blessing to others.

I will never cease being grateful especially now that I have the most amazing and awesome person to spend life with. The one person who makes life meaningful and purposeful. The only one with whom I did not hesitate to bare my soul to. The perfect Uni for me.




I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride, so I love you because I know no other way.” - Pablo Neruda




Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Too beautiful not to share

I believe most of us suffer from being too absorbed with our mind clutter that is often brought about by an unconscious inkling for us to take on much of the drama in life. That is not to say it's bad or undesirable. It is just a given, something we have to be aware of as just part and parcel of being in relationships whether it be familial, romantic or platonic in nature.

Triggers. That is what moves us. To even care. To think. To lose ourselves. To be stressed out. To fall into a deep pit. To be bruised and knocked out. To fight back and stand up again. To regain consciousness. To be courageous and faithful. To be uplifted. To love. To be forgiving.

For a while now, I have been following this Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson and below is one of her podcasts that I transcribed because I feel it somehow encapsulates all there is to experience what we everyday hope for, that is the gift of grace, answered prayers and yes, miracles.




Forgiveness offers everything I want. This is the only way for the weight I feel emotionally in my life caused by very, very painful situations to be lifted. This is the only way and that is I forgive everybody. Forgive everybody and myself.

Begin thinking about every single person that have hurt you in your life. One of the things we want to do is to take responsibility. Unless we are talking about child abuse or victimization as a child, when it comes to your adult life, the vast majority of times, if we are honest with ourselves, we can see that even if somebody "did something to us and we get hurt," we played some part in that drama. We conspired in some way with that negative drama. We played some part, even if your part was only 10% of it. So there's always forgiveness of yourself that is involved in these situations as well.

I had the most amazing night when I just went back to so many situations where usually when a person's name would come into my mind, I would sort of get rid of the thought of that person or that situation because when I would think of it, it would cause me pain. But that night was a very illumined experience for me. I just went right into it. It was amazing. I got onto the computer and I started googling people that I wanted to know. Maybe I can write an e-mail. Maybe I can make a call. Maybe I can do something to actually take this on, to forgive and to be forgiven.

Forgiveness offers everything you want. So I'd like you to think right now about the person that you think has hurt you, that you know has hurt you, and I'm not in any way right now invalidating your pain. Betrayal happens. In a worldly sense, they might have done just that. But what I'm saying to you is your salvation lies in your capacity to forgive them. Sometimes we think, "I'm not going to forgive them, they don't deserve my forgiveness." But the Course in Miracles says that we are spiritually generous out of self-interest. What I realized that night was that my willingness to forgive people that I felt had hurt me was not for them, it was for me! It was because I don't want to carry that stuff in my life. I don't want to carry that as a kind of weight.

You know it's an interesting thing as you grow older. The positive side is you sort of "sit within yourself" more firmly, but the negative side is sometimes you're carrying it like this emotional bundle, this baggage, this weight, and the only way to have that released, the only way to give that up is to be willing to forgive everyone for every thing. To have all the Course in Miracles says, "Give all to all." And that means love as well as anything of this world. So when you forgive somebody, it's not like you're condoning what they did. Quite the opposite. You don't have to worry that the universe will not balance itself. You don't have to worry that they don't have their own karma. You don't have to worry that God is not on the case. The issue is this is about your karma. This is about your spiritual development, not theirs and as you just think about that person and are willing to see them differently.

The Course in Miracles says the Holy Spirit responds fully to your slightest invitation. If we are just willing, if even for a moment, "Dear God, I think about this person. I think they hurt me." You might think that they contributed to a personal disaster in your life, to a professional disaster, to a financial disaster. Most of us at a certain point in life can point to a few people and think, "Why, my life would have been far better for me as I understand things had I never met that person." But the more spiritually evolved you become, you realize if you hadn't met them, you would have met somebody else who'd done basically the same thing because maybe that was the lesson we needed to learn, whether it was to walk away from that before it became something terrible or if nothing else, once it became terrible, to know that if we will forgive, forgiveness offers everything we want.

It becomes another mental habit. That is what miraculous thinking is. It's not a difficult way of thinking, but it is a very different way of thinking.
And what is difficult is getting over a resistance. That resistance is because the ego is invested in blaming people. The ego is invested in attacking someone. The cornerstone thought of the ego's thinking is that someone is guilty. And so as long as you are finding someone else guilty and if you think they hurt you, "That person hurt me," on one hand you're carrying the pain of what they did to you, but also you are compounding the pain because by being so clear that they did that you, you're attacking them in your thinking. And remember who you attack, you're attacking yourself all the time because there's only one of us here.


Forgiveness offers everything you want because miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. It would be a miracle to forgive the person who hurt us. Some people who have been through terrible and hedious things are free and many people who have been through things that are not even that bad in the bigger scheme of things carry this weight and are bound by unforgiveness.

Forgiveness offers everything I want. Forgiveness means I will return to my most loving self. My most loving self is my Christ self, my true self. When I am that, when I become that, then I will attract to myself everything that reflects that. Give love, get love. Simple as that.




Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Declutter



I woke up yesterday cluttered. I don't know why. It must be because there is something amiss on the bed or maybe because I slowly descended from the clouds after being surprised with a wonderful serenade I only imagined in my dreams, definitely topping first of the firsts in celebrating a momentous occasion. This is by the way a rewrite as the blogger dashboard magically erased what I wrote without me having it backed up. Grrr.

Anyway, I ended up obsessing on sorting paper piles in my cabinet and it did take almost a good half day of my life yesterday. Old grocery and resto receipts, billing statements, post-its, scratch notes, seminar sheets, log files, every paper that has played a role in my everyday existence. Some of the papers found their fate in the garbage as I consider them trash, useless and have fulfilled their purpose already. A lot has been categorized as recyclables, something that can still be of different use in the future and therefore kept neatly piled. A few made it to my precious logbook/planner where I keep all the essentials, a thing I'd go nuts if anybody dared rearrange.

It dawned on me how this outlet gave me such relief, feeling like I have reassessed and reorganized my life. It felt like a good vacation, being able to go through piles of unnoticed clutters and having the time to unload the rubbish I have been keeping for years.

Getting rid of junks. Keeping focused on the essentials. Travelling light.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Fade away


Like the sun setting its remaining rays of light into the sky, I wish to be your last hope in times of darkness.

As you have shone so brightly in mine, may I be your last saving grace when you feel like giving up, when everything seems like a blur, and when you come close to hating yourself at times. Please don't. I have seen you at your best and will feel privileged to see you even at your worst.

When it feels like gloom is on the verge, let's look at the crossroad. There I'm sure we will find a better track that will lead us to where we ought to be. Let's believe and hold on to miracles, never cease dreaming, keeping our fingers not crossed but palms together and held close to our hearts. I believe that's the only way He will intensely listen to our deepest desires.

You are the beam that gives the precise spark when my day seems dull. No matter how gloomy the day becomes as the sun fades away, the thought of you is always enough to bring me back to where light is. Shining. Bright. Brilliant. Dazzling.

Everything must come to an end, some good things never last, endings are beginnings, it's hard to say goodbye, The End.. I hate these lines. This is what I like no matter how corny it sounds - True love doesn't have a happy ending, because it never fades.
: - )

Monday, January 26, 2009

Story of the Trek

It all began with Uni's wish to hybernate after a long week of what seems to be work drag and long commute. Just look at her eyes and see how that longing moved me to come up with a weekend treat up south where the air is cool and adventure awaits.










It was definitely a joy maneuvering Ligaya Drive because of its zany twists and turns, a steep downhill journey going down Talisay, Batangas where Taal Yacht Club is located. From there, we went for a 30-minute tranquil lake banca ride (it was 2 in the afternoon and the tides were still low) and managed to capture this excited look on her face. It's been awhile, too, since I went for a nature trip, really missed it, forgot to remove the shades though to hide the excitement boiling in me.













And the trekking started. The challenge began when we were constantly urged by the locals, especially the manang who hustled us while walking to take her horse for a ride (a 600-peso ride by the way) , since they say we might not be able to make it through the dusty and rugged terrain to the top. Are they talking to us, former mountaineer and trek enthusiast and recent Milo 5K finishers with certificates?? :-)





This is the trail about halfway to the top. Meet Arnel in the blue shirt who was our kind guide, our haggard faces saved from being captured at this moment, not a glorious time with me trying to keep my tongue from sticking out as I could hardly catch my breath and Uni bathing in her own sweet sweat at this point.








The heat of the sun was extreme at this area where passage was real narrow you would have to face the wall when a horse passes by, or else risk losing a limb or dragged back down (kidding).










Capturing the journey, the prettiest smiles we could come up with to conceal our feet aching, knees shaking, and body scent almost comparable to that of the horse (imagine dust and sweat combined).





Almost reaching the destination, we had a Brokeback Mountain feel with the stable and horses around although with an Asian telenovela touch since instead of cowboys, Koreans were everywhere.






After a breath-taking 45-minute trek, finally we were at the top overlooking the mystical crater of Taal Volcano. The sulfuric aroma from the view deck helped to create this "friendster pose" which Uni naughtily took. In turn, this trip would not be complete without her \m/ trademark pic, a "Kay Susan Tayo" contender. :-)


























The natural high of reaching your goal, being together throughout the journey, enjoying every step of the way, on top of the clouds. What more can I ask of life?














Friday, January 23, 2009

Hakuna Matata

It's weekend finally. Let's take time to bring out the child within us, have fun and do serious play. Time to renew and restore our worn-out, tired and trenched spirits from a whole week's toiling. Let's commune with nature and find strength in its stillness, walk until we find our paths crossing, run until we catch our breath, eat our hearts out, and explore each other's unchartered territories.

Found below article while I was researching a term for a psych doctor I was doing earlier and it really made my day. It's funny how we all fall into one of these categories every now and then for reasons like hormones going on rampage, it's a full moon, the stars are misalligned, or when the sun dances. So let's learn the art of laughing at ourselves when we are at our craziest moods and the art of betting on who gets to fart the loudest. Read on..

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.



And to bring out the child in me, here's my favorite philosophy (that sometimes I tend to forget, hence I'm embedding this vid as reminder). Enter my Lion King friends:


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

In the middle


I've seen a lot of romantic movies where wanting and needing someone has been questioned by the lead characters who were head over heels in love with each other. Take for example the flick Milan where Claudine questioned Piolo, "Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako, o kailangan mo ko dahil mahal mo ko?"

Taking this into context, the term need implies a necessity, something we can't do without, a must to have, otherwise there could be some kind of chaos without it or an incompleteness. On the other hand, want is a yearning, something we hanker after or crave for, a wish, probably reflective of our human human nature for a desire to be satisfied.

As I have come to understand this, a balance between wanting and needing someone is what makes people stay together in the long run.

Imagine having to just need a person without really wanting, doesn't it sound so sad? It's like going to work in a job you hate because you just have to survive, maybe even out of desperation where everyday you have to drag yourself to work and take every effort to get motivated. You count the hours and learn to memorize the tick of the clock in your head and know the exact tick sound when it's time to go home. A need. The essential reason for needing someone is that maybe if the person were not around, you'd be hopeless, helpless and living like a zombie. The person fills something in you.

Wanting. It's born out of your heart's wish, a burning desire. If you were to choose freely, won't you grab the chance to have the job that won't let you feel just working? As they say, if you follow your passion, you'll never feel like working ever, enjoying every second, playing at work. It's something that drives you to be at your best, makes you crazy happy, and brings out all the good there is in you. Although taken on a spiritual context, wanting could be a selfish motive, an ego feed, because it's something you can do without and you are just satisfying a personal craving. It creates a boost in yourself to want something and have it.

This thought gave me a major headache, really, guess still a hangover from my marathon session with Mamu, so I opt now to just go back to the movie and let Piolo answer the point I wanted to drive at.

Piolo replied to Claudine with the sweetest smile on his face, his eyes shining so brightly like the sun, "Mahal kita.. at kailangan kita."


How corny I know. But my Uni loves corny, so why not :-)


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Love and smoking

I know I truly love when I have you inhabit every part of my being. It's nothing really planned, with each passing day our lives become entangled, naturally following the flow of giving up a space in me and realizing that space I give away gets occupied the same way you have given up yours for me. Now we end up working, planning, thinking, dreaming, laughing, crying, bumming, fighting, kissing, hugging, partying, drinking and smoking together (hail L Word for the verb usage!).

Loving even to the point of bringing back the habit of smoking I've given up for sometime just so to be connected with you, a bizarre kind of bond that I feel brings us much closer because with every smoke, we get to converse and breathe deeply, as if to blow all stress and pressures away, dispersed to the universe. The hell with all the health risk warnings about smoking, which all smokers by the way very well know and yet still won't kick the habit. That must be one good reason why people smoke, feeling it course through the lungs with every inhalation, entering every air passage there is inside, like deeply filling a vast space of emptiness, a void that has always been there ready to be filled.

A void, we all have that.. a longing lover, a desire to be accepted and understood, a feeling of loss, a widow grieving, a mother missing the company of her adult child, a job pressure, a missed opportunity, a pressing family problem, a financial crisis, a friend in need. God must have thought about it so wisely that we have these voids every now and then, not for the smoke to fill of course, but for Him to connect with us deeply, because it is when these voids are stretched that we get reminded all we need is Him. In this life full of voids, may we learn to breathe deeply, whisper an ardent prayer, and thank Him unceasingly for letting us experience the emptiness, because only then can we also go through the unexplainable ecstacy of being filled and full to the brim.



I thank God everyday for bringing us together Uni. I pray no void will ever be enough to bring us down. Let's fill each other unceasingly. :-*

Monday, January 12, 2009

Two worlds collide

Who would ever imagine we'd click. It's amazing how time can encompass the differences and without us realizing we are already creating a new world, for us, not yours, not mine alone.

You love singing, I dread videoke, but we appreciate music just the same.. with my singing note exclusively for you to hear, and tolerate.

I am inclined to systematize, you are carefree, but we can be spontaneous together.. like getting up and going even in our sleeping clothes to find the best-tasting 'goto' somewhere.

You are a mover, I am a pusher, so we probably can move mountains.. or drugs (haha).

I can be absorbed in staring into space whole day without moving an inch, you'd get burned out only after about 5 minutes and will make a sound or do your 'happy dance', but we can laugh our lungs about it after.. how insane we can be sometimes.

You are the legislative, I am the executive, but we both can fail and start the game over anyhow.. it's the game that matters.



But one thing I know for sure, we both have an eccentric heart, that which others can all day wonder about and only we can fathom. That's the magic we share and celebrate, everyday.


And now for the sentimental note, here's to cap what I wanted to express.. I love you uni :-*



Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Shortfall



Shifting sands
Casting shadows
Life's such a mess sometimes
Just sometimes
Yet like a wind it always passes.

Bury your feet on the sand
What a confound coldness and warm protection
Move a bit and the sand shifts
Changing form and pattern
Yet it stays, only varying in angle with every movement.

Sun shining brightly
Shadow casted
Darkness sets in where the sun cannot penetrate
An image block
Yet glorious is the shadow under the extreme heat of the sun.

Life, oh life, oh life
You bring such bizarre stir
Emotions guarded
Intellect on hold
All for the zest of loving.



This song keeps me grounded, over and over..
Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind
I hear it all depends on my faith
So I'm feeling precarious

The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they're so mysterious
And like a consumer I've been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith,
Then I'd be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave

My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I've begged you for some proof
For my Thomas' eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leperous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much
I explained it away

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith, it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace

It'd been there all the time

Stand on grace

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Greens and Blues for 2009

New year
New beginnings
New adventures
New dreams
New challenges
New awakenings..

Faith
Hope
Trust
Love..
Back to basics.
The only old matters to hold on to.
To journey through life.
Life as it is.
Is evolving everyday.
Everyday a fresh start.
Start from failures.
Failures that enrich.


"We know that in all things, God works for good with those who love Him, those whom He has called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28


Happy New Year!

Monday, December 22, 2008

A great time to be grateful





As the wonderful Christmas song goes.. 'Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalalalala. Merry Christmas!







I've been struggling lately to write an entry, mostly because I've been preoccupied with the rush of the holidays and partly maybe just lost touch with my inner voice, being too absorbed with all the merriness in the air as Christmas is fast approaching. I've always believed writing is a gift, a free-flowing expression to touch others, and being too busy to communicate with the voice within left me thought-deprived. So, thank God I had time to breathe now and voila! I am writing again. Cheers to that! (see? that's how preoccupied I have been lately, with all the drinking spree and parties :-)).

I guess especially for us Pinoys, the best holiday is Christmas, because through this season we get to celebrate our family bonds, reunite with long lost friends, make amends with our enemies, and simply enjoy the company of people we even barely know just for the spirit of giving and sharing. This is the magical time where people seem to be in a trance state and can be so forgiving and loving and generous and understanding. Imagine if everyday was Christmas, there will be no wars, no conflicts, no suffering.. but then again, that won't be the earth as we know it. Think about it, the reason why life here on earth is just a passing stage is because it is a way to be whole again. It is through all the chaos we experience from being in various forms of relationships with other humans that we get to realize, bottom point, we will all die and leave this earth. The means by which we die we can only wish to know but simply cannot, so I guess this is the best time also to reflect on what state we want to be when He finally calls us to join Him.

BUT, let's think about it again, what if indeed we can create "A New Earth." A place where everyday is Christmas. A place where instead of people competing on who has the tallest and biggest EGO, people are competing who get to be more loving, more giving, more kind, more passionate in caring, more forgiving.. hay, heaven on earth. It's not something impossible if we work on the start of it all - ourselves, and then little by little it becomes a disease spread out with all human relationships we are connected with.

Then again, you may ask, would not earth be so boring if nobody fights? Hmm, it depends on how you view boring. Is it boring if instead of wasting all your energy in shouting and stressing your nerves, you get to laugh your heart out whole day and having your aim when you wake up in the morning to how make a person unburdened just because you are there? I don't think life would at all be boring since we are all unique creatures and a blend of the differences makes it all exciting and un-boring. The key is to appreciate the uniqueness and respect the differences. Being humans, we need to be grateful all the time in the best and especially the worst of times living here on earth.

So now, my grateful list for this wonderful year:

1. Thank God for the ever-supportive family I have, especially nanay who just silently but simply loves me as I am, and for Pio who constantly teaches me how to become the best mom I could possibly be. You are the blessing that reminds me of my greater purpose, the constant reminders to be humble and selfless.


2. Thank God for making the "ordinary" person that I am extraordinary because of the "extra" waiting that I had to endure to be blessed now with such a gifted and blessed person. Uni, you are and will always be His most personal gift to me and I will forever cherish your coming into my life. You have opened up "worlds" for me to expand and together I believe we can make a beautiful mark in this earth. I share your hope that He really understands why there is an "us." :-*


3. Thank God for friendships that have gone through times of happiness and sorrow, the ever-reliable friends that go beyond the geographic distance and defying time just to be there to comfort and care. Guys, my life has been happily bearable because of your presence.


4. Thank God for continuously using me as an avenue to be a blessing to others through my work, His grace of riches I get to share no matter how menial it is at the moment, and for constantly reminding me that He always carries my burdens with me and I only need to trust and do my share, blessing the works of my hands and seeing me through.


5. Thank God for all the difficult people He sends to make me grow and challenge me to become a better person. Also for the nicest people who make life easier, the random angels in disguise.





6. Finally, thank God for blogging :-) Need I say more?










HAVE A MEANINGFUL CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL. IT IS MY SINCEREST HOPE THAT THIS SEASON SHOWER US WITH HIS ABUNDANT GRACE AND MAY WE BE ALWAYS GRATEFUL FOR THE MANY BLESSINGS WE ALREADY HAVE. PEACE!




Monday, December 15, 2008

For Arteh's Sake

Deluge

Picking a color to describe how I feel at this moment, it will be yellow.

The title of Turner's painting describes pointedly the role of the color yellow: Radiant yellow sun ends a long period of darkness and begins a new pure era of Light after the all devouring Deluge. The painting is considered to be an allegory of Light. Moses is depicted slightly above the center in the vortex of light.


Man and his Wife
Picking a fruit to describe my present relationship in general, this painting depicts its essence - lemon.

In this painting by an unknown artist, an intimate portrait between a man and woman, a lemon tree can be plainly viewed in the background, symbolizing fidelity in love. Possibly from North Italy but perhaps not by an Italian artist, this portrait is unusually intimate (it is rare for a man to be painted with his hand around his wife's neck). It was also slightly unusual for a woman to stand on her husband's right hand side.

Finally, picking a portrait best describing how I view life in general, the masterpiece of Vincent Van Gogh - Starry Night.

There is the night sky filled with swirling clouds, stars ablaze with their own luminescence, and a bright cresset moon. Although the features are exaggerated, this is a scene we can all relate to, and also one that most individuals feel comfortable and at ease with. This sky keeps the viewer's eyes moving about the painting, following the curves and creating a visual dot to dot with the stars. This movement keeps the onlooker involved in the painting while the other factors take hold. Below the rolling hills of the horizon lies a small town. There is a peaceful essence flowing from the structures. Perhaps the cool dark colors and the fiery windows spark memories of our own warm childhood years filled with imagination of what exists in the night and dark starry skies. The center point of the town is the tall steeple of the church, reigning largely over the smaller buildings. This steeple casts down a sense of stability onto the town, and also creates a sense of size and seclusion. To the left of the painting there is a massive dark structure that develops an even greater sense of size and isolation. This structure is magnificent when compared to the scale of other objects in the painting. The curving lines mirror that of the sky and create the sensation of depth in the painting. This structure also allows the viewer to interpret what it is. From a mountain to a leafy bush, the analysis of this formation is wide and full of variety.

Being loved by you is like a work of art touched with a crazy blend of spirits and haze, yet spiritually challenging to the max level :-)

Then again, loving you is like a roller coaster experience. The fear is there of taking the ride yet I still go. As it goes, the turns and speed create butterflies in my stomach, the feeling of throwing up. In the middle of the ride, I scream to the top of my lungs and become confused about wanting to go down against the thought of missing out a lot if I don't finish the whole ride. In the end, I realize it's always worth it, full of weird surprises but having fun learning in the process. I am holding on.. tight. :-*

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

LSS strikes again..


I'm standing on the bridge

I'm waiting in the dark

I thought that you'd be here by now

There's nothing but the rain

No footsteps on the ground

I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home?


It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Won't you take me by the hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I... I'm with you

I'm with you (Mmm..)


I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know?

'Cause nothing's going right

And everything’s a mess

And no one likes to be alone


Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home?


Oh! Why is everything so confusing?

Maybe I'm just out of my mind

Yeah.. yeah.. yeah!..yeah.. yeah, yeah.. yeah, yeah yeah,YEAH...


It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Won't you take me by the hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I....! I'm with YOU...I'm with YOU...

Monday, December 8, 2008

Number trip :-)


Nine: The spiritual meaning of number Nine brings us to the very height of vibrational frequencies in this number sequence. Nine represents attainment, satisfaction, accomplishment, and our success to achieve an influence in our circumstances. The spiritual meaning of number Nine deals with intellectual power, inventiveness, influence over situations and things. Nine beseeches us to recognize our own internal attributes and extend these abilities out into the world to make a positive, influential difference.



So now it makes more sense how wonderful this date is and it is worth celebrating. Great to have you in my life Uni, happy happy! I know you don't remember, hence this reminder, cheers to Alzheimer's :-) Sweet ako noh?!?

Raising the bar one notch

... inspired by Grey's Anatomy Season 5 premiere.

Once upon a time, happily ever after..

The stories we tell are the stuff of dreams.

Fairy tales don't come true.

Reality is much stormy, much murkier, much frightening.

But reality is so much more interesting than living happily ever after.

That's just life even if you don't have a happy ending always.

I am not an experimenter; it's scary. People barely have ever-afters. But you are my person. It matters what you say and I need you to pretend that I am capable of doing things that I fail myself to believe in. We can make anything work. Let's be scared together and hold each other in times when we feel old, beaten, trenched, sloppy and freaking out.

The bar has been raised.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Complicated

In a relationship, these things happen:

She wants red, you want blue - you both choose green instead.

She forgets to inform you about something, you get angry - you both say sorry.

She doubts that you doubt, you just wanted details - you both say I love you in the end.

She wishes the situation is different, you just miss her - you both keep quiet and breathe.

She likes to drink, you silently wonder if it's becoming a habit - you both shrug it off.

She does not like planning, you just want to be a little prepared - you both end up surprised.



Insisting on what's loving, not what you think is right and what you justifiably want. It's always a choice.


I am your hot air balloon. Your flame keeps me afloat.









Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Post-Its

Life is what you make it they always say. Who would'nt agree. Especially when you know and would have the privilege of having to prepare for your own death. Seeing the Indie film "100" last night, it dawned on me yet again that life is indeed short and death is but imminent, only a question of time.

But how can you really tell one has lived life fully? As I have come to understand it, it is when you begin to live selflessly, of course amidst the fact that you have your own selfish desires. Accomplishing personal goals and dreams is but human nature and I guess the subtle difference comes in only when you realize that through making yourself contented and happy first do you get to be succesful in making people around you and important to you happy as well. It's commonsense. You cannot give what you do not have.

Also apparent on the film was how acceptance is the key as turning point in moving on. Only when you stop resisting and negatively reacting to a situation you have no control over does peace come in and acceptance moves you to productive action and emotions.

Don't we all aim for peace of mind and world peace? Think about it. Imagine dying tomorrow. What would you do today?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The tie that binds


It's amusing and amazing how time flies. I still vividly remember how tiny my nieces and nephews were eons ago and how I changed their diapers and gave them baths as I laughed at how cute they become when they enjoy almost drowning under the shower. I saw how they turned from a cute toddler taking their first steps to seeing how tomato-looking their genitals get after circumcision and having to dress it myself with Betadine and gauze, being the only nurse in the family. It's funny how the tables have turned and the older ones get to treat me out for a night out and introduce me to their partners, even teasing me why they don't wanna get married yet because I am their idol and as long as I stay single, they would also. Goodluck to us!







Gone were the days where I was the center of attention being the youngest of five, where I had two yayo kuyas and two yaya ates. I was a spoiled brat growing up, getting almost anything I tantrumed about. Those were glorious days, or so I thought. Growing up is indeed a miracle in itself.









Relationships that matter.

Family.

It's the core.

It's the unit you'll always come back to, whether you like it or not.. indispensable.






But then again, I have my own right now. A hard core, rocking the third world, challenging beliefs core of a unique family.. capturing the present moment, this is my family - Meet the gray matters :-)





Wednesday, November 26, 2008

How do I love tree?


I found my tree.

When you find yours, nurture it.

Hydrate the roots.

Let the sun shine upon it.

Watch it grow little by little each day.

Take pictures once in a while.

Laugh at the sheer folly it makes when winds blow.

Prune the old branches to make space for new ones.

Stare at its beauty.

Lie down beneath it and feel comforted by the shadow it casts upon you.

Delight with the thought it bears fruits, in multitude even.

Share the joy it brings.

Read a book and sing a tune for it.

Breathe the fresh air it radiates.

Be grateful for a tree provides life.. and love.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Meeting the "Fockers" :-)

My past weekends have been about absorbing and engaging encounters, something really new to me. Meeting the people who are significant to my significant other is a totally distinct experience, them having a unique view and way of life, at least compared to my more normal orientation I guess.

What struck me the most is that how open communication, outrageous, vulgar and no holds barred even, can really open up anyone's inhibitions, open new doors for understanding, and give room for no pretension and no prejudice, just plain simple conversation and sharing of opinions no matter how insane or deep the topic is. It's about leveling and appreciating the remarkableness of a person and holding no judgment whatsoever. It's also just about recognizing the individuality of each person and respecting their wholeness and being no matter how eccentric it may be.

It's been such a privilege to have known the "Fockers," especially the mother "Focker." :):):)

I hope for more fruitful, productive, entertaining, enlightening and peaceful encounters, although I'm also ready to witness a "high mass, third remix" episode, me not the main character in focus of course, at least not yet, too early (HAHAHA).

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Jedi name





Cast off your old name! My Jedi name is

ROMDO JOQUE of the planet Valium!

Find your Jedi Name!



Long live Star Wars! I've always wondered how to live a Jedi's life, exciting :)

Home alone

Since Dadi died, I often find myself being left in the house alone which for a long time I have only dreamt of, physical solitude that is. This made me realize how used I was, considering the big family I belong to, to being with somebody all the time and not really enjoying moments alone. Moments before that even freaked me out since I tend to have a wild and creative imagination with all the horror movies I've seen. But then again, spending sometime alone gives me this rare chance to enter into a space I never appreciated before, a space where I visualize life in a different paradigm. Where nothingness seems surreal yet gives me an unexplainable tranquility. That no matter how stressed I get with all the adult responsibilities and obligations given me and I guess I have willingly accepted, a voice inside me calms my being and gives me a fleeting moment of serenity that I am where I should be exactly now and things will always fall into place as long as I don't lose focus on doing good and bringing out the best in me and in other people. Storms of confusion and paranoia do subtly come, yet they are just in a jiffy when I choose to go back to that serene space in solitude where I am put at ease that everything is gonna be all right.

Ironically, too, this is the time in my life when I lost a significant character in my being and at the same time gained someone who characterizes my being more than anyone else has ever had. It almost always leaves me dumbfounded on how physically alone I am sometimes yet feel so loved and belonging to someone who holds my heart dearly. You. You who have ended my years of tormented hanging and waiting and masochistic ideals.. Je t'aime beaucoup :-*

Dadi, you have brought the family closer with your parting. That is the ironic miracle you have created and it has been a real blessing to have had you in this life. I hope you're resting in the Heaven's courts now and continue to watch over us while blowing the smokes from the clouds :-)


Lesson learned? Solace is indeed found in solitude.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Eternal Instants

I like that term I ran across reading Max Lucado's teaching again. Instances in life we usually take for granted like a swallow singing you a morning tune, a walk in the park, a stolen kiss, a moment of reflective silence. Instants that remind us there is indeed fleets of eternity experienced everyday.



Reality sucks - we all know that. Good thing, though, is that we don't. Fact is no matter how global recession haunts every president, prime minister and head of state, and stocks continue to plummet and give stockholders the scariest nightmare of their lives, life goes on. It always does. These are worldly instants that, yes, affect our reality as it is but, no, does not even come close to shaking our being if we only just realize our greater purpose here on earth - to learn the lessons, keep moving forward, and never stop loving. When to stop? When the angel of death arrives and invites you to cross over the other side :-). So question yourself, are you ready to cross over? If not, then let reality do its job of sucking and do your job of not sucking along with it.


Breathe, life goes on.. and on.. and on.. (pag off, patay ka na nun sige).


Here is the swallow singing me a happy tune every waking morning - meet Willy.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Joyeux Anniversaire!

To the one person:


who created waves of change and varying awakenings..


who has been through the extremes of life, fell and risen time and again..


who voraciously reads and no doubt will prefer going to Powerbooks or any specialty bookstore more than anywhere else..


who can spend the whole day by herself and still keep sane..


who has the most sensitive spirit I have ever encountered..


who uniquely shares the sentiments of my heart..


who is Pio's first broken heart..


and whose uniqueness I can't stop adoring..




Thank you for spending your special day with us.
Life has been so shiny and bright with your presence.
No one but you has ever touched that part in me who appreciates life beyond life.
We love you.
May the Good Lord keep you and bless you all the days of your life.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

stupefaction (thesaurus!)

Everyday


is a miracle


waiting for us to explore.



Everyday


if we only see through His eyes,


we find people and events coming to us by His grace.




Everyday


life is a constant wonder,


seeing is not always believing


as there are a lot of things not seen but just felt.




Everyday


we can choose to be grateful


or blame the world why it is the way it is.




Everyday


as long as you are in my breathing space


I can only choose to be thankful


and give glory to Him for the best and worst moments


we have already shared and yet to come..


because through them all

we learn

we grow

we expand


we explore, together :-)


Add Image