Thursday, November 20, 2008

Home alone

Since Dadi died, I often find myself being left in the house alone which for a long time I have only dreamt of, physical solitude that is. This made me realize how used I was, considering the big family I belong to, to being with somebody all the time and not really enjoying moments alone. Moments before that even freaked me out since I tend to have a wild and creative imagination with all the horror movies I've seen. But then again, spending sometime alone gives me this rare chance to enter into a space I never appreciated before, a space where I visualize life in a different paradigm. Where nothingness seems surreal yet gives me an unexplainable tranquility. That no matter how stressed I get with all the adult responsibilities and obligations given me and I guess I have willingly accepted, a voice inside me calms my being and gives me a fleeting moment of serenity that I am where I should be exactly now and things will always fall into place as long as I don't lose focus on doing good and bringing out the best in me and in other people. Storms of confusion and paranoia do subtly come, yet they are just in a jiffy when I choose to go back to that serene space in solitude where I am put at ease that everything is gonna be all right.

Ironically, too, this is the time in my life when I lost a significant character in my being and at the same time gained someone who characterizes my being more than anyone else has ever had. It almost always leaves me dumbfounded on how physically alone I am sometimes yet feel so loved and belonging to someone who holds my heart dearly. You. You who have ended my years of tormented hanging and waiting and masochistic ideals.. Je t'aime beaucoup :-*

Dadi, you have brought the family closer with your parting. That is the ironic miracle you have created and it has been a real blessing to have had you in this life. I hope you're resting in the Heaven's courts now and continue to watch over us while blowing the smokes from the clouds :-)

Lesson learned? Solace is indeed found in solitude.

1 comment:

  1. In loneliness, there's the pain of being alone. But in solitude, there comes the glory of being alone.