Thursday, March 19, 2009

Thoughts from Mars

This is a radical view. Think about your past relationships. How did they start and how did they end? As I reflected on this basing on my almost 10-year committed, challenging, complicated and twisted past relationship, it somehow gave me chills to realize that maybe some relationships just are not built to last a lifetime no matter how committed its nature could be. Even if a rare number of people are built to be alone and stay happily single, being able to live on their own and go about this life effortlessly even without a partner, I realized early on that even if I can be as independent and carefree as I want to, I am not as happy and fulfilled as when I am in a relationship and get to be sharing my life with another I consider so significant that I would try and leave no stone unturned just so to make my partner happy. But that’s just me.

That long-term relationship bloomed from a beautiful friendship. It was a time in my life where being independent was a long way to go as I was a struggling employee making two payrolls a month meet just so to get on with my own basic needs, and so was my partner. We lived our everyday sharing even the menial of things, talking about every topic under the sun, and conversing about dreams which sounded so far fetched then, growing together. Of course, there were a lot of struggles and squabbles along the way, but then again any healthy relationship has those ingredients, otherwise there is no growth, no change. In the middle of it, there were challenges that seemed insurmountable because even if you both wish to stay in a world where only the two of you exists, hence less complications, that only happens when we are asleep and traveling to Mars was possible. Personal goals, family pressure, and society dictates get in the way, and so the once happy start turns sour and the former miniature conflicts become a giganteum where a magnifying glass aimed at what were wrong seemed to have appeared from nowhere and get the best of both of you. Relationship then ends. Heartbreaking.

So then you’re left with a heart that’s been mashed like a potato, but this is the time when it is vital to have, as they popularly say, at least a six-month solitary time, a hibernation mode, a time of reprieve from the past relationship before moving on to another. Vital basically because a heart that is mashed takes time to be whole again, almost impossible at the start especially when all you could think about is your ex and how you were used to doing things together, all the memory lane torture. Otherwise, you fall into the trap where many have fallen of going into a rebound relationship. Poor being who becomes an outlet of your frustrations and need to fill what your ex left as an empty space. That is precisely why it is healthy to spend time with your precious self after a breakup, to have that empty space gone by rediscovering yourself and making yourself whole again without a new person altering the process. For me, this process took years as while I was still in the relationship that was already in deep waters, I was already thinking about a way out because it was not working anymore. I was feeling lost, troubled and disheartened with all the complications. I felt it was time to move on. Love was never a question; it just transformed to another level, that which does not require us to be in a relationship anymore.

Weird to realize that although healthy romantic relationships (take note I said healthy because abusive and disturbing relationships are out of this context) can and do make you a better, even changed person, helping you realize your dreams along the way and surprising yourself with feats that you thought you were not capable of but was able to because you were inspired, they seem to be elusive and you’ll never get to predict exactly when to say you’ve had enough and it’s not working its magic anymore. Taking also into consideration your values on commitment, loyalty, concept of divine love, and capacity to take risks and challenges, who would be an expert to know when the relationship has reached its tail? If it’s worth keeping for a lifetime? If you have stopped growing or growing apart? If there is a hint of falling out? If feeling of inadequacy sets in? If letting go is indeed a higher form of love where you let go of the person you love dearly if it meant that her life would be way better off without you in it?

Then again, relationships are like a puzzle. They are meant to be bits and pieces that make the story we call life whole.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

One pound

Loose and scattered.. that has been the status of my thoughts lately. It's not because I'm not inspired or nothing significant is happening lately; it's quite the opposite actually. It's the planning jitters. Summer holds a comfort zone shake. It's my girl's scout nature overwhelming me when I am presented with a goal, although it gives me pleasure to visualize dreams and taking lotus feet steps to its realization, one tiny bit at a time. I remind myself often, though, that although planning is good, future is yet to unfold and what matters is the present moment.

Thank you for gifting me with so many varities of these messengers from another realm, these being the recent ones, that make me often pause from working to simply stare and admire. My grateful heart blossoms.

Your love moves me from dreaming to realizing.

You never fail to inspire me.

You are what envelops a dream.

Your embrace touches my very core.

Your kiss soothes my every tired muscle.

Your warm breath while sleeping keeps me sheltered in the dark of night.

Thank you for being such a wonderful comfort zone.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Di mo lang alam.. pero ang ngiting dulot ng pagibig mo ay mas hamak na higit pa sa nakuha ng larawang ito. Kulang ang kagandahan ng mga itsura nating yan kung ang mapupukaw sana ay ang mga damdaming umaapaw sa pagmamalasakit, pagpapahalaga at pagmamahal.. ginintuan.

Ikaw ang pinakamagandang aral sa nakalipas na limang buwan ng buhay ko. Marami man ang mga pangit na bagay na hiling ko di mo na lang nararanasan o maranasan pa, pero sa bawat pagsubok, naway damahin mo na kaagapay mo ako at sabay tayong sumulong sa hinaharap na puno ng pagasa at isa-isang kamtin ang mga ninanais ng puso natin.

Pero in fairness, bagay sa akin ang magpakagirlaloo. Di ba? :-)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Galit ako. Madalang to. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit naging malahiganteng pangyayari pa kung pwede sanang lawakan na lang ang pag-iintindi.

Nakakainis maipit, masakit masaktan, nakakatuyong umiyak, at nakakaubos ng lakas magpaliwanag sa animong sarado namang pagiisip. At ang malupit, sadya atang paulit-ulit.

Nakakalungkot. Nakakahinayang. Nakakalamukot ng mukha. Nakakabagabag.

Kung paiiralin muna ang unawa bago ang paghuhusga at paghuhugas kamay.

Kung titigilan ang pagmamalaki at paghahanap ng masisisi at masusumbatan.

Kung pipiliing manahimik kesa magbitaw ng mga salitang nakakalamat.

Kung magpapatawad at hihingi kaagad ng tawad sa sarili at sa kapwa.

Kung uunahin ang kapakanan ng iba bago ang sarili.

Kung magpapakumbaba at matututong rumespeto.

Kung maninindigan sa tama at bigyang halaga ang kapakanan ng iba.

Kung magpapasalamat bago magreklamo at maghanap.

Simple lang sana ang buhay kung ganyan. Di ko rin alam pano matitigil ang pag-ulit ulit.. malinaw lang sa akin ang pagtanggap sa realidad na ito. Walang may gusto pero andyan, nangyayari. Pinagdadasal ko na lang ang katinuan at liwanag para makaraos at umasang may dalang magandang pagbabago ang umaga. Laging may bukas pa. Tapos na ang kahapon.

Malamang bukas hindi na ako galit. Masaya na uli. Tuloy ang buhay. Ganun lang talaga. Sa ngayon, ninanais kong umintindi at magmahal pa rin kahit galit ako.